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You know you’ve started to leave your youth / early 20s behind when you are regularly finding yourself in bed by 10pm. I normally have trouble sleeping before then, but Chris has to be up early and likes going to bed with me, we end up talking and cuddling and all that gross non-sexual stuff married people do when they aren’t having sex. Which, lets face it married folks, tends to be far less than before you were married.

Our bedtime normally starts out with tuning into Sex in the City on WGN. You know the version I’m talking about, the edited to contain no nudity and no really bad words. It ends up cutting an hour long show on HBO down to 30 minutes WITH commercial breaks. That brings me to lesson number 1.

1. Sex in the City would have much more ridiculus ratings if they cut the sex and swearing and was shown on Network TV instead of HBO.

That said, as a man, there is no real reason to watch Sex in the City in syndication. Bite the bullet and buy the DVDs if you’re going to watch. At least then there is some more fodder for the guys out there in that case.

Its no secret, I don’t get women. I’m sorry, I. Just. Don’t. This includes my wife, though I think I do a pretty damn good job of keeping up with her and at least being able to follow along with the things I don’t get. But the situation between Big and Carrie….what the hell. This brings me to lesson number 2.

2. No matter how big an asshole you can be, if the girl really really likes you, you’ll be able to get her back with relative easy, even if that requires you to fly to France.

Now I don’t think I was ever as big a dick as Big has been, but Chris said last night she semi-equated us with Big and Carrie…since they were so on-again-off-again. She’s right, and we both dated our fair share of people in between.

But really, girls, why put up with our bullshit? Trust me, you can do better. You could go lesbian! Herein lies lesson number 3.

3. Inside every one of us there is a little homosexuality waiting to come out.

I’m not insinuating we’re all gay or lesbian, but if one gender is giving you fits, try jumping ship for a while. It really worked wonders for Samantha, and I for one would love to see more women give the girl route a try. (Ok, so thats more self-serving than anything…but didn’t she seem happy then?!?)

I’ve been a bonehead many times in my life. Unfortunately I’ve also rarely been the person that needed to do the breaking up. This ends up a double edged sword. On the one hand, I don’t have to come up with a way to break up without hurting someones feelings. On the other….well, you get dumped and you are left a rejected pitiful shell of your former self. Still, I’ve found the need to be the dumper on a couple of occasions in my life. One time in college I was trying to find a way out of a relationship (Dana I’m sorry if you’re reading this somehow) and I became invisible. Avoiding the girlfriend, kind of like Frema’s boyfriend who didn’t call for 10 days. I know, I know, I’m an ass. That brings me to lesson number 4!

4. A Post-It Note is not an acceptable way to break up with someone

This seems like a no-brainer right? If only. There is a large contingent of people, myself include, that would rather chew on the castoff that the tanners didn’t want to turn into leather, than face personal conflict. But seriously. Seriously. A post-it note? Pussy.

Who like’s commie bastards? I know who. So do you! She moved to FRANCE to be with one. And to make it worse he didn’t even make time for her. Carrie, dumb move, shoulda gone to your party. Lesson 5….

5. Never move to another place to be with someone else unless you are already in a serious committed relationship.

I almost screwed up and did this once. Thankfully I started to realize before my trip out to make my final decision that the real reason I was flying out to California was to get some closure that I desperately needed at the time so I could move on with my life. I can’t begin to fathom how utterly and completely stupid I would have been to move to L.A. Man, I dodged a serious bullet on that one.

Is anyone else ever shocked at the sheer amount of money and high society these women in this show hobknob with ALL THE FREAKIN TIME?!? I’ve known some real life journalists and folks that do columns. The salary does not allow them have huge Manhattan apartments and closets full of this season’s Manolo’s. (Side note: Its sad that I even know what Manolo’s are.) But what did all this wealth give the girls? Lesson number 6, thats what.

6. Money don’t buy love and happiness.

Nowhere in the show is this more evident than in the relationship of Charlotte and her ex-husband. He was L-O-A-D-E-D! Was she happy? No. Could she have bought anything under the sun, including probably a black-market son (nevermind the Chinese baby that IS THEIRS)? Yes. Was she any more happy because of it? No. Did she take a big step down with the Hairy lawyer? Not really, but still nowhere near as wealthy as before. And don’t even get me started on Carrie and Big again, cause if we want to talk about money…

You know what group doesn’t get enough love in our world now-a-days? Trannies. Thats right, transvestites. They spend all that time getting made up to look like beautiful women and we sit here on our pedestals laughing at them because they still look like men. Ok, so maybe I don’t feel bad about laughing at most of them, because let me tell you at the transvestite hooker bar around the corner from my house, the worst dressed of them congregate. But don’t let that lesson the impact of lesson 7.

7. Don’t fuck with a trannie, they probably have better aim than you imagine. Remember, while the trannie may look like some semblance of a woman, its still a man under there, so the trannie usually won’t throw like a girl.

Samantha learned this one the hard way. Can you say someone had a little egg on their face?

**x is not a dirty word. Say it with me now, lesson number 8 is a simple one.

8. Sex is not a dirty word.

The best thing this show tried to do for our society/culture was try to teach us that sex is not a dirty word. Sex is not an inherently dirty act. Sex is good. Sex is fun. Sex with a partner is fun. Sex with multiple partners can be fun. Sex with yourself is fun. Lets hear it for sex.