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Talked to my mom earlier today, we’re in the process of packing up our apartment for our highly-anticipated move next week and we found a couple of books we thought were hers, Tuesday’s with Maury and The Five People You Meet in heaven. So I’d been meaning to call her because I keep forgetting to ask her about it. Towards the end of the conversation my mom told me that last night the priest came to my Grandma’s house to read her her (thats awkward phrasing) last rites.

Grandma has been sick for a long time, cancer, and I guess earlier this week her doctor said there was nothing left that they could really do and stopped treating her. They don’t expect her to make it another week. I’ve got kind of mixed emotions about the whole thing. On the one hand, I know its been really tough on my dad, and mom, (Grandma on dad’s side) to be there and taking care of her the last couple of years, so I know that ultimately it will be a relief for them to have this whole thing be over. She’s also been in a lot of pain and I’m glad that pain will finally be gone. On the other hand I’ll of course be sad, but I don’t know if I’m as sad as I should be. You always know that days like these are coming and you have an expectation of how much emotion you should be feeling / showing. Then it gets here, and, well, you kind of feel like you are letting yourself down.

Then there is the part of me that feels exceedingly selfish. We are moving a week from Monday, we’ve got movers hired, have to be out of our apartment, and if Grandma dies in a week, instead of by Tuesday, then we’re going to be in a real bad spot. And like an ass, the first thing that came to mind was what day would be the most convenient for me for the death to occur. Its so embarrassing and I’m incredibly disappointed with myself for even thinking it. But it is what it is. I’m blessed with a good family, both my normal, and my in-laws, and I know that if push came to shove my in-laws would help us with the move even if it meant overseeing the movers if we have to be out of town that day. But I don’t want to ask someone else to do something like that. It is REALLY asking a lot. Its one thing to help someone move…I helped my friend David move cross-country. Its another thing to be solely responsible for making sure someones things make it from point A to point B without that person even there to help.

So yeah. Blows.