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I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my place in the spiritual world. So I thought (and the word ends up overused in this post) serendipitous that my brother yesterday called me asking me to right a ‘form’ letter to retreatents for (and I use this spelling to keep people from finding this when searching for the words) K.A.I.R.O.S., otherwise, in the church I was raised in, Ch-rist-ian A-wak-e-ni-ng, or Senior retreat. The night before I actually had a conversation about this with a couple of friends, and had been mentioning it on occasion to my wife the last week or so. So I ended up writing a letter for him and sent it to him today.

Because I know some friends that are relatively spiritual read the blog I’m going to post the letter here. I hope, if nothing else, some folks might delurk and talk about some of their struggles. I know I still struggle, and still don’t know here things will lead, but I am sharing these thoughts with a bunch of kids I’ve never met, I met as well share them with you.

Dear Retreatant,

I’m am so happy that you are getting to enjoy this experience on God’s time. You don’t know me, but my name is David. I graduated from Hamilton Southeastern in 1998, and did my senior retreat with the Carmel deanery that year. You probably, at this point in the weekend, have gotten to know my younger brother, Scott, who is with you this weekend as an adult volunteer. I apologize if this letter gets a little long winded, but the timing of your retreat, and me writing this letter are a bit of serendipity.

I’ve been struggling a bit about what to say to you in this letter. I’ve already rewritten it a number of times. I want to tell you about how the next few years are going to be some of the most exciting and happiest days of your lives. I want to tell you that the relationships you’ve formed this weekend will last a lifetime. I want to tell you that everything will turn out the way you want it to and everything will be great after you graduate from high school, college. But at the same time I don’t want to blow smoke up your rear.

You’re an adult. As such, you need to be prepared to face the realities of living in the real world, living outside the comfort zone that can be high school, your parent’s house, your youth group. Yes, you are going through a time of great change, and you’ll probably have a lot of fun, but you are going to be faced with some exceedingly difficult situations. Your faith in God, Jesus, the Church is going to be challenged on every front. You’re going to face challenges from the world around you, and most likely you’ll end up facing challenges from inside yourself.

I know I have. In fact, that is why I find the timing of this retreat, and the writing of this letter so interesting. You see, for a long time now I’ve been a man walking around with little faith. My cup starting running out when I was in college, and after college I found my cup was nearly dry. I say nearly dry because I still believed in a God; some supremely benevolent and powerful being that exists throughout all time. I’ve always known in my head that God is out there (through philosophy classes, ect.). But knowing in your head is far from the same as knowing it in your heart. For a long time the knowledge has been in my head, but the feeling not in my heart.

Over the course of the last few months I’ve been going through some difficult times, and some times in life you feel like there is no one to turn to. Sure, you aren’t the only one to go through these things, but that proves to be little consolation. Whether your issue is an addiction, loss of a loved one, or a failing marriage, you need support, but often times earthly means just don’t cut it. I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t been to church on my own volition for well over five years. I didn’t feel empty at first, in fact I thought it was great, no waking up early, or losing an hour of my weekend, my free time. Over time that changed. I realized the last couple of months that there is a deep void in my life, one that used to be filled with the Holy Spirit, a thirst that was quenched in the camaraderie to be had in sharing Mass with people you love.

My journey of faith has been arduous and I’ve not always been successful. Odds are, you’ll face times of failure as well. It is in these times I’d like you to think of a song called “Darkest Hour” by Glen Phillips, I’ve included the lyrics at the end of the letter. During hour darkest hours are when we can truly find freedom to return to who we really are. Its in these times of despair, when all seems lost that we can look to the Lord, to put our trust in His loving arms, and regardless of the faith you had lost, He will refill your cup and take you back into His presence, if you but seek it.

Now I find myself seeking Him again. I don’t know how my path will turn in the days to come, but I now at least have a direction to go. I thank you for that. Getting back to the idea of serendipity, this letter has helped me to think about my life and has been supremely therapeutic in ways. I pray that you don’t end up following the path I went down, but if you do, I pray that you find your way back into the light more quickly than I have. I hope that you continue to grow in your faith and the understanding of your faith as well. Faith is a great thing in itself, but is so much greater when you truly understand your faith. Seek to understand. Seek to know yourself. Seek to grow in your relationships with your friends, your family and your God. Seek happiness. Most of all, I hope you find all that you seek.

Yours truly,

David McNelis

P.S. Darkest Hour by Glen Phillips
If I lose my faith
Just remind me, just remind me
When my shadow’s longer
Stay beside me till it’s brighter
How easy I forget
How beautiful to see you once again

In my darkest hour I will be freed

When I close my eyes
I hope to find you, I hope to find you
When I leave my body
I want to be ready, willing like you were
I sat beside you then
I felt the warmth as it left your hands

In my darkest hour I will be freed

I’ve been waiting so long
That waiting was the end
Let this sleeper awaken again

In my darkest hour I will be freed